Oscars Recap

Every year my mom and I watch as many Oscar nominated movies as we can muster and then get together on Oscar Sunday to watch the dresses, cry during the In Memoriam clips and talk shit about all the technical awards recipients who speeches go too damn long. This year we watched The King's Speech, The Kids Are Alright, The Fighter and Toy Story 3 and got together with my friend Julia, her mom and her sister to each pizza and be critical. It was magic.

First of all, my picks on the big categories:

Best Picture: The King's Speech
If I had a nickel for every Oscar nominated movie that made me feel uplifted, I would now be the proud owner of five friggin' cents. Everything was amazing - Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, Helena Bonham Carter, the coats, the shoes, the story, the samples of the speeches... I was riveted the whole time. It was, above all, WATCHABLE. There was not one moment that made me want to cringe and look away or feel uncomfortable that I was watching it with my mom. I was thinking about that movie for days afterward... LOVED it.
The Fighter was a very close second, though I completely understand why Mark Wahlberg was not nominated for Best Actor. He was great, but he hasn't done his time. There was very little I didn't like about the movie. It had something for everyone.
The Kids Are Alright had absolutely no redeeming qualities for me. None. I didn't care about a single one of those characters. I thought the message of the movie was frankly a little offensive (all lesbians are secretly bisexual?) If you are going to show the real ups and downs of a long term lesbian relationship, don't ignore the fact that they have the same every day stupid problems everyone else does. There's no need for their sexuality to be a bone (pardon the pun) of contention... is it for straight couples? The acting was shit. I love Annette Bening and Julianne Moore and I thought the casting was beyond sloppy and ill thought out. I could go on and on about the shit I hated about this movie. It is literally the worst movie I have ever seen and the buzz surrounding this movie shocks the hell out of me.

Best Actor: Colin Firth, The King's Speech
To be fair this is the only actor that I saw in a leading role that was nominated, but I don't really think anyone else had a chance in hell. He had a great, noble, flawed and inspiring character to play not to mention that the British Royal Family is highly en vogue right now given all the wedding shit. His stammer was so painful to watch... he starts to speak and you just want to hug him and feed him a cookie and tell him everything is going to be OK. It takes a lot for me to feel that about a character. OK maybe not, I felt the same way when Bender was trapped in the closet by the principal in the Breakfast Club... But when you find out why King George VI stammers in the first place you just want to break down and cry right there. Then he busts out swearing and you want to applaud and break into a scandalized giggle all at once. It's masterful... I don't care how close to fact it really is, it was movie magic and Colin Firth absolutely MADE that movie.

Best Actress: Anyone But Annette Bening
That's how much I hated that movie. Plus everyone know Natalie Portman had this shit on lockdown. That role was gold... I heard the movie was absolute shit though so I'm glad it didn't win. I have no interest in seeing it, that's how much terrible shit I've heard. However, I would have almost seen Annette Bening win than have to count down the seconds until Natalie Portman mentioned her pregnancy in her acceptance speech. OK, she's talking about her costars... on to the husband... how glad she was to get the role... it all added up to the most predictable line of the night, her thanking her husband for giving her "the most important role of her life." I'm like "Funny Girl?" If it hadn't have been so calculated, sugary sweet and predictable I might have not given it a second thought.

Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale for The Fighter
This was a tough one for me, I really liked Geoffrey Rush. However, it's impossible not to like his character. He was a charmingly inspiring speech therapist and best friend to the King. Everything about him is just... well, lovely. Not to say that I play by these rules exclusively, but it was an English gentleman with manners playing an English gentleman with manners. Christian Bale had an accent, a body type and a reputation to overcome in this role. His character is not likeable. Never once do you believe that Dickey will clean up his act. His personality is magnetic and repulsive in equal parts which is confusing and irritating, but Bale pulled it the fuck off. You forget that you are watching someone with all his proper teeth. Not to be cliche, but I believed that I was watching a meth addict boxer. The best part, was when the end of the movie cuts to Mickey and Dickey talking, you are not surprised by either of them. They are exactly, in all ways, what you pictured because the casting and talent was freaking impeccable.

Best Supporting Actress: Amy Adams, The Fighter
To be fair I would have been equally happy to see Helena Bonham Carter win (although screen time wise she didn't have much to work with) and I was really excited to see Melissa Leo take it. Granted, I would have loved to see her (after her role as white trash) make a really dignified speech in that beautiful dress. But! We can't all be Charlize Theron accepting for Monster... There is a reason that they had no choice but to nominate two actresses from the same movie, both of them had a lot to work with and really went for it. But Amy Adams really showed the most range, to me. She got to do sweet, funny, hard, vulnerable, bar fly, devoted girlfriend, all in one movie. She grows, she stands up for Mickey and she's fascinating to watch. Melissa Leo's character does not change. It's tragic to watch her favor her fuck up son and watch the other one flounder and she does it the whole movie. There is no growth at all, and that makes it less watchable for me. But! She completely NAILS the character even in her state of near stagnation.

Costume and Art Direction I would have LOVED to see go to Harry Potter, but I have to give it to Alice in Wonderland... it was the deserving pick. Plus I really think next year will be Harry's year... I want to see those films get the recognition they deserve, if for nothing else than the artistic contributions. After seeing those costumes in person, I can tell you film doesn't do them justice. Just know that someone in costuming LOVED Snape... his robes read drab and weird, but in real life they are a beautiful, regal and shimmery blue that are structured yet man-elegant. I want it to win something, but I know why they're waiting for next year.

Also... I thought it was kind of awesome that Trent Reznor won for Best Score. First of all, he's the man behind Nine Inch Nails... he ain't known for elegance or subtlety, really. But what I liked is for anyone who didn't know who he was, he looked like every other slightly-awkward Joe up there winning one of the more "invisible" awards. That was a moment...

Now, on to the awards show itself. Let's just get this out of the way, Franco was high. Trust me. Notice how he kept looking up and to the side and squinting a bit... somoene in the balcony had a bag of Cheetos. I would bet a paycheck on it. I adore Anne Hathaway. Bitch looked fierce all night (except from her last dress and the Black Swan call out updo.) I like that they tried to pander to a younger crowd, but the Oscars are not a night for "whooo!"ing and marijuana - they are about dignified elegance and decorum. It was too stilted for the young crowd and too lackadaisical for the older crowd... and I think both would be right. When Billy Crystal came out on stage, I kind of wanted to yell at the TV "NO! STAY!"

And now... the fashion.

Best Dressed Female: Cate Blanchett in Givenchy


I really had to put some thought into this. When I first saw the dress, I was in AWE of it! Absolutely gorgeous. When I saw the yellow though, I had to think twice about it. I didn't like the yellow with the silver. It needed a little something else... But I just got a look at the back today and I'm back on the bandwagon. I LOVE this dress. I would have liked to see another color besides yellow, but even with the yellow color that I hate, I have to give it up for this dress. Beautiful.

Worst Accessorizing: Amy Adams

I don't even know what the hell else she was wearing, but I haven't seen a necklace worn over a high neck top/dress since I was 6 years old and trying to make my turtlenecks look less weird. Didn't like it!

Everyone Hated It, I Loved It: Anne Hathaway in Armani Prive

Is it awful that I don't know how anyone couldn't love this dress? I know everyone is talking shit about it today, but I could not take my eyes off this dress - it kind of has it all for me. I am a huge electric/cobalt blue fan, so I might be biased.

Worst Dressed: Gwyneth Paltrow in Calvin Klein

Julia said it best - she was going for gold but it came up beige. This picture actually looks halfway alright, but with the stage lighting her hair was beige, her skin was beige, the dress was beige... I hated it. It just looked like she tried hard only to have it look like she didn't try at all. It was just a big ole' no for me. Plus that song she sang was AWFUL.

Best Dressed, But Only On Her: Mila Kuniz in Elie Saab

This dress was so cute... I just loved it. I could look at this dress all day and still find things I like about it. My favorite though is the lace detailing on the neckline... it was really intricate without looking fussy, which is hard to pull of. It was young enough for her and she's one of the only people that got the full hair/makeup/dress/bag/shoes thing going for me. It all looked great. Very close second for best dressed for me.

Go Big Or Go Home: Helena Bonham Carter in pretty much anything she could find

Seriously?! She promised a disaster, and I felt like even though it was the Oscars, she could have gone hard with it and done some weird shit. Boo... bring it all next time, missy.

Worst Hair: Reese Witherspoon

We couldn't stop talking about this hair... my lord. Really?! This isn't your prom! I adored her dress, her makeup was beautiful - but the hair was just a honky tonk afterthought fuck it... So much no here. So much. But it almost gets half-points for showing off those beautiful earrings.

That's it for this year, ya'll! Comment away!

An Open Letter To My Upstairs Neighbors

Dear Neighbors,

On this, the eve of my last Saturday in this shitty ass apartment, I thought I would write you this letter of inquiry and suggestion. Since all I see you doing is sulking through our parking lot with your backpacks, I hope that you will take time out of your grueling schedule of attending community college and pissing me the fuck off to actually read it. By the time you read this I will already be gone... I won't have run into traffic as I often contemplate due to your idiocy, but I will have moved to the nicer end of the crappy neighborhood we live in, so take THAT, ass hats.

At first you were nameless, faceless stomping noises so I got to assign to you whatever identity I wanted. I will share with you now that I envisioned: overweight, ill-mannered children whose favorite game was "Drop Shit On The Ground and Then Run Away." I envisioned your deaf mother who was unaware of your annoying behavior... I tried to come up with any excuse for the cacophony going on upstairs. I briefly tried to convince myself that you were orphans just trying to make your way through this cruel world the only way you knew how: by throwing cinder blocks from your beds onto the floor and then slamming doors. However, finally, your antics caused me to undertake the loathsome task of entering our rental office to talk to the Ed Hardy wearing femme-douches that pose as our property managers. I was desperate. I started describing what assholes you are and out of no where she said:

"Are they Asian?"

The following conversation ensued:

Me: "Um... I don't..."
Ladydouche: "I mean, I'm not trying to be racist, it's just that I think I know who you're talking about."
Me: "I've never really... uh... I've never seen..."
LD: "I know, I don't see race either, but seriously they are terrible."
Me: "No, no... It's..."
LD: "Yesterday, two of them came in here, a guy and a girl, and they started arguing and one just slapped the other one across the face! I called the cops, but he'd already left! They're exchange students and I swear to God, it's like they don't even get our culture or anything..."

I left even madder, thinking that our property manager was not only a douche but a racist one at that. Plus, I already knew that you were Pippi Longstocking with adjustment issues... I could get used to it. Later that day, to my horror, I realized that you actually were the people she was referring to. So now, not only do I know that you're loud, obnoxious and rude... I also know that you basically just spend your weekends smacking the shit out of each other as if you were curious about how we do shit in America and somehow got stuck on Telemundo soap operas and just went with it...

Perhaps this may be a cultural difference, but due to recent events in the media I was under the impression that Asian children are raised to be strictly respectful, quiet and talented. You may be aware that, recently, a mother wrote a book about Asian parenting being superior to Western parenting - which is not necessarily a point of contention here. However, every Saturday night, while you stomp around and scream on the porch I fantasize about stuffing you all into my car and punting your asses onto her lawn one by one screaming "HEY BITCH, YOU MISSED A COUPLE!"

Last weekend, your evening performance of Bowling Ball Drop Riverdance caused my boyfriend to go out to the parking lot and see what exactly you were doing. Dancing? Wrestling? No... it turns out that you were just animatedly laughing while watching cartoons. FUCKING CARTOONS?! You were just rolling around on the floor, pounding your fists on the carpet, completely losing it about a goddamn cartoon. Just know that I know this about you and I'm disappointed.

Despite knowing that, when I heard bedsprings creaking above my bedroom 20 minutes ago, I had enough respect for you left to assume that you were having sex. That's right. I thought that someone who who spends their Saturday nights watching cartoons with 3 strange looking girls was actually getting some. You. Are. Fucking. Welcome. Consider it a freebee, weirdos. It then became very obvious that either you are into some weird WEIRD, bizarre sex shit... or... you were just JUMPING ON THE DAMN BED!!! Is that seriously how you're spending your Saturday? "Hey ladies, let's watch some cartoons and then after that, let's go to my room and giggle and jump on the bed!" As with your obvious Telemundo debacle, watching iCarly is not an appropriate way to learn how to date in America.

After your grueling nights of acting like middle schoolers at a sleepover you then seem to go to bed around 1am. Then, every half an hour, one of you jumps out of bed and runs at full speed to the bathroom where you spend at least 10 minutes running water and then, if possible, finding the loudest possible way to flush the DAMN TOILET! How do you do that?! The tenant before you didn't have that kind of volume on a toilet flush, what are you doing up there?! I've moved from anger and disbelief to full on genuine curiosity!

On to the next issue... I live with a smoker and I know the protocol. Every hour or so, you go outside, smoke a cigarette, maybe make a phone call and then come back inside. Where did you learn that the protocol for smoking a goddamn cigarette included standing on the balcony screaming at the top of your lungs and slamming the screen door approximately every 10 seconds! JUST KEEP IT OPEN! Did you think of something really really awesome to say to those strange looking girls that come over every weekend that you think will seal the deal on 10 more minutes of mattress jumping later and it just cannot WAIT until you are done smoking?!

Anyway, this is all pretty much a moot point by now. I just thought I would write this on behalf of the next sucker that moves in here. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! I don't even want to know what accounts for the hours unmentioned here where it just sounds like you're either moving furniture or holding a fight club up there... just... don't. Just fucking stop already. I know that college students are supposed to be loud, but at least be loud because your drunk, getting laid or are watching Comedy Central! If you insist on being loud and obnoxious, please watch Animal House and act accordingly.

Thanks heaps, assholes.
The Irish Buzzsaw