So, in celebration of our 6 year anniversary of dating, my boyfriend decided we should go fishing. Go ahead and wrap your mind around that because that's the LEAST crazy part of this blog post.
Mind you, he's been trying to get me to go fishing with him for YEARS now and I decided to give in this time because we always do girly (read: normal) shit for our anniversaries and I figure he'd done his time.
This started with my genius plan to get out of going fishing for the rest of forever. I told him I would only go if he found me pink waders. No fishing outfitter worth it's weight in testosterone would manufacture something like that, let alone sell it. I figured he'd stop short of surfing that land of ridiculous purchases known as Amazon.com and call it quits. ...He called my bluff. Before I knew it I was in the middle of Outdoor Emporium trying on pink waders made for breast cancer awareness month - thanks a fucking lot October!
I hear Garren talk about his fishing adventures all the time and unless it involves a fistfight with some random asshole (it happens) I use this as "me time". I zone out, I think about jewelry, I think about work, I think about what outfit I want to wear tomorrow. It's all over my head, so I just turn on the brain static and nod and smile. Before you start thinking this is the most fucked up thing ever, we've gone on this way for 6 years, assholes.
I knew my day would involve being out in the boonies, probably seeing a fish get whapped over the head with a club and game wardens who dress like Dudley Do-Right. What I wasn't prepared for was how backwoods this fishing area was. Shortly before getting to our fishing spot, we passed a roadside stand proudly selling "rebel flags", a business selling "tomatoe" and horse tied to a tree. I've never seen Deliverance, but the entire environment made my butthole pucker.
My waders were to say the least a bit snug and I waddled down to the river with the worst case of camel toe any female has ever lived through. Walking around all day with neoprene in your crotch is exhilarating. We spent the better part of the afternoon trying to outsmart an animal with a brain the size of a lima bean and didn't succeed. I sunburned one side of my face. And I became a little racist temporarily.
What I didn't exactly prepare myself for was the fish gutting. Of course we didn't catch one, but the guy next to us did. Let me just say, putting the bait on your hook, casting your line and standing around on a rock in the water is very peaceful. You feel at one with the earth, hearkening back to a simpler time and feeling like you know what Davy Crockett felt like. Normal Rockwell would be inspired. THEN, someone clubs a fish over the head and guts it before its heart stops beating and you suddenly want to move to a landlocked country. Any landlocked country. I'd consider communism. Knowing that my boyfriend does this made me feel betrayed. I felt like I had been living with a teddy bear for 5 years. A teddy bear who talks lovingly to our cats, does laundry like a pro and giggles at poop jokes. And then you imagine said teddy bear going Ted Bundy on a fish... it's disheartening.
I also love situations where my stereotypes are confirmed and today was no exception. I always think of fisherman as cliquey, opinionated, speech-slurring elitists. And today there was an overweight gentleman standing on his rock soap box name dropping the people he talks to on gamefishing.com forums, berating "arm-chair fishermen" and drawling on and on about he knows all the tricks for finding fish. I want to say his name was Jimbo. I never came CLOSE to knowing anything about him of that nature, but the rest of the stereotype was there so I'm going to take poetic justice here and just say it was.
I don't suppose I'll hang up my fishing pole yet though. Overall it was just too entertaining not to go back.
You could do two or three minutes on stage with just this material, but you would have to keep that look of indignation on your face while the audience was rolling on the floor. "Trying to outsmart and animal with a brian the size of a lima bean" - genius! Keep up the great work.
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