An Open Letter To My Upstairs Neighbors

Dear Neighbors,

On this, the eve of my last Saturday in this shitty ass apartment, I thought I would write you this letter of inquiry and suggestion. Since all I see you doing is sulking through our parking lot with your backpacks, I hope that you will take time out of your grueling schedule of attending community college and pissing me the fuck off to actually read it. By the time you read this I will already be gone... I won't have run into traffic as I often contemplate due to your idiocy, but I will have moved to the nicer end of the crappy neighborhood we live in, so take THAT, ass hats.

At first you were nameless, faceless stomping noises so I got to assign to you whatever identity I wanted. I will share with you now that I envisioned: overweight, ill-mannered children whose favorite game was "Drop Shit On The Ground and Then Run Away." I envisioned your deaf mother who was unaware of your annoying behavior... I tried to come up with any excuse for the cacophony going on upstairs. I briefly tried to convince myself that you were orphans just trying to make your way through this cruel world the only way you knew how: by throwing cinder blocks from your beds onto the floor and then slamming doors. However, finally, your antics caused me to undertake the loathsome task of entering our rental office to talk to the Ed Hardy wearing femme-douches that pose as our property managers. I was desperate. I started describing what assholes you are and out of no where she said:

"Are they Asian?"

The following conversation ensued:

Me: "Um... I don't..."
Ladydouche: "I mean, I'm not trying to be racist, it's just that I think I know who you're talking about."
Me: "I've never really... uh... I've never seen..."
LD: "I know, I don't see race either, but seriously they are terrible."
Me: "No, no... It's..."
LD: "Yesterday, two of them came in here, a guy and a girl, and they started arguing and one just slapped the other one across the face! I called the cops, but he'd already left! They're exchange students and I swear to God, it's like they don't even get our culture or anything..."

I left even madder, thinking that our property manager was not only a douche but a racist one at that. Plus, I already knew that you were Pippi Longstocking with adjustment issues... I could get used to it. Later that day, to my horror, I realized that you actually were the people she was referring to. So now, not only do I know that you're loud, obnoxious and rude... I also know that you basically just spend your weekends smacking the shit out of each other as if you were curious about how we do shit in America and somehow got stuck on Telemundo soap operas and just went with it...

Perhaps this may be a cultural difference, but due to recent events in the media I was under the impression that Asian children are raised to be strictly respectful, quiet and talented. You may be aware that, recently, a mother wrote a book about Asian parenting being superior to Western parenting - which is not necessarily a point of contention here. However, every Saturday night, while you stomp around and scream on the porch I fantasize about stuffing you all into my car and punting your asses onto her lawn one by one screaming "HEY BITCH, YOU MISSED A COUPLE!"

Last weekend, your evening performance of Bowling Ball Drop Riverdance caused my boyfriend to go out to the parking lot and see what exactly you were doing. Dancing? Wrestling? No... it turns out that you were just animatedly laughing while watching cartoons. FUCKING CARTOONS?! You were just rolling around on the floor, pounding your fists on the carpet, completely losing it about a goddamn cartoon. Just know that I know this about you and I'm disappointed.

Despite knowing that, when I heard bedsprings creaking above my bedroom 20 minutes ago, I had enough respect for you left to assume that you were having sex. That's right. I thought that someone who who spends their Saturday nights watching cartoons with 3 strange looking girls was actually getting some. You. Are. Fucking. Welcome. Consider it a freebee, weirdos. It then became very obvious that either you are into some weird WEIRD, bizarre sex shit... or... you were just JUMPING ON THE DAMN BED!!! Is that seriously how you're spending your Saturday? "Hey ladies, let's watch some cartoons and then after that, let's go to my room and giggle and jump on the bed!" As with your obvious Telemundo debacle, watching iCarly is not an appropriate way to learn how to date in America.

After your grueling nights of acting like middle schoolers at a sleepover you then seem to go to bed around 1am. Then, every half an hour, one of you jumps out of bed and runs at full speed to the bathroom where you spend at least 10 minutes running water and then, if possible, finding the loudest possible way to flush the DAMN TOILET! How do you do that?! The tenant before you didn't have that kind of volume on a toilet flush, what are you doing up there?! I've moved from anger and disbelief to full on genuine curiosity!

On to the next issue... I live with a smoker and I know the protocol. Every hour or so, you go outside, smoke a cigarette, maybe make a phone call and then come back inside. Where did you learn that the protocol for smoking a goddamn cigarette included standing on the balcony screaming at the top of your lungs and slamming the screen door approximately every 10 seconds! JUST KEEP IT OPEN! Did you think of something really really awesome to say to those strange looking girls that come over every weekend that you think will seal the deal on 10 more minutes of mattress jumping later and it just cannot WAIT until you are done smoking?!

Anyway, this is all pretty much a moot point by now. I just thought I would write this on behalf of the next sucker that moves in here. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! I don't even want to know what accounts for the hours unmentioned here where it just sounds like you're either moving furniture or holding a fight club up there... just... don't. Just fucking stop already. I know that college students are supposed to be loud, but at least be loud because your drunk, getting laid or are watching Comedy Central! If you insist on being loud and obnoxious, please watch Animal House and act accordingly.

Thanks heaps, assholes.
The Irish Buzzsaw