Why Men Should Lie To Women

I recently had to remind a married friend of mine that one should not ask questions of their spouse that they do not want to hear the truth about and I'm afraid that tonight I was forced to eat my words. I made the innocent observation that Garren was very lucky to have gotten out of a local park at night for bird watching without being raped or killed (seriously, don't go to that park at night, ya'll) and the following conversation ensued:

Garren: Well, it's like with bears. If you're with a group of people you just have to be faster than the slowest person running away from the rapist.

Me: Well, yeah if you're with a bunch of people you don't know.

Garren: I don't think that matters.

Me: Well, if it was my short-legged ass you wouldn't just run away...

Garren: (silence)

Me: I SAID... if it was me you wouldn't run away, right?

Garren: Well... probably not no.

Me: PROBABLY? I'm going to need a more definite answer than that...

Garren: Well, I mean I would probably end up using you-

Me: USING ME?! AS WHAT?!

Garren: Well, like... distraction.

Me: YOU WOULD USE ME AS BAIT?!

Garren: NO!

Me: What is using me to distract a bear called?

Garren: I would be APPEASING the bear... not BAITING it...

Me: ....

Garren: What?

Me: I'm just going to be bear appeasement?

Garren: In the very unlikely scenario that we are in the woods together, yeah

(reference the fishing-on-our-anniversary post)

Garren: Anyway, you shouldn't run from a bear, you have to fight the bear.

Me: That's cougars, idiot.

Garren: NO! It's cougars AND bears... bears can run 30 miles an hour.

Me: They might ROLL 30 miles an hour - they don't run 30 damn miles an hour

Garren: Yes they do!

Me: Don't play me for an idiot! I have seen how bears are built, they ain't runnin' for SHIT!

Garren: I'm serious!

Me: I'm sure you are! But the last time I heard you talking about fending off predatory wildlife you were telling me that you were going to lure Big Foot with beef jerky and then kick him in the nuts.

Garren: I STILL INTEND TO!

Then there was the inevitable scenario:

Garren: Well, if it was like, you, me and a fishing buddy I would just take out the guy's kneecap and we could run away.

Me: Well first of all, that's terrible. Second of all, I would hope you would value my life more than your damn fishing buddy.

Garren: (feeling like he's won) Yeah. I would.

Me: Since you got yourself into this shit and started the "whole running away from the bear" situation, you get to answer this horrible no-win question! What if it was me, you and your MOM. Who would you sacrifice.

Garren: Oh, you could outrun my mom.

Me: Wow... You wouldn't sacrifice yourself for me AND your mother? I see where we rate...

I explained to him the following issue in this instance: he could have lied to me and I would never have to know. The answer that I was looking for, of course, was "I would lag behind on the off chance that the bear caught up and I would allow myself to be eaten so that you could be safe." Of course, in practice, this would likely not happen. In all truth and honesty, he probably would use me as bait in order to "buy time so I can find a really big stick! Quit looking at me like that!" BUT. In that case I would only spend the last 30 seconds of my doomed life knowing that my boyfriend is a careless asshole. Instead, I now get to live out the rest of my life knowing that my boyfriend is a careless asshole.

This is, of course, mostly hyperbole. Garren is a loving and wonderful person (as evidenced in most previous posts) but today he learned an important lesson about white lies and relationship happiness. If I never have to know about it in any practical or theoretical sense, lie. Just lie. Instead of going home to write about you on my blog I could instead share with absolutely no one the fact that you would sacrifice yourself to a bear for me... because no one wants to hear that shit... that would be incredibly corny. I think if someone told me that their boyfriend ever admitted to that, I would blink at them awkwardly until they walked away.

And this is why and how men should learn to lie to women. Do it so no one else has to have this argument while screaming at each other with the window down in front of a restaurant with outdoor seating. Where people are wondering what the hell is wrong with you. And why you are both laughing while screaming at each other about bears.